


A Letter//Phan

by ElltheNerd



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Desperate Phil, M/M, Sad Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 10:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11781150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElltheNerd/pseuds/ElltheNerd
Summary: *trigger warning death,drug overdose, self harm*





	A Letter//Phan

Well hello there, I guess I cannot say "hello internet" because this is written into a piece of paper taken from a notebook...

To anyone out there that doesn't know me, first of all good for you, I can assure you that you didn't miss anything good and secondly I'm Dan, Dan Howell..26 years old, a British nerd that LIVED with his best friend Phil for almost a decade now.

So If you're just a person that just happen to read this prepare to cry or laugh..I don't know whichever suits you.

If you happen to be a fan of mine then prepare to cry, then feel sorry, cry and maybe hate me at the end, I don't even know anymore

And finally if the person that is reading this right now is you Phil or someone from my family prepare yourself to learn some of my deepest secrets.

If you're reading this letter that means that I'm no longer alive , breathing and walking in this world and you're about to find out why

I guess I should start with a huge SORRY to you Phil.

And then to my family 

Phil,I'm sorry that I could not keep going anymore, I'm sorry that I gave up on life and I'm sorry that I was such a mess that I couldn't even ask for help...

I love you Phil...no, not in a romantic way, you were and forever be my best friend and I guess I'm apologising because I know how hard it was for you when you lost one of your friends in collage and I feel awful.

I'm lost, I'm lost and I don't know what to do, do you remember Phil? 3 years ago when I told you I was feeling lost when we were watching a movie on summer a little while after I came back home from visiting my family?

Do you remember why? If not , that's the reason(s)

I don't like remembering my past, I think you know why...because from the age of 5 to 20 I was miserable ,helpless you can say even hopeless

I don't like to face my worst fears, fears that I didn't know still existed until I meet the people that gave them to me , again after decades.

It was a nice couple of hours until I realised that the place that I had going was full of the people that knew me when I was younger....bullies, childhood friends...

I didn't want you to know.

I didn't want you to know the war that I was having everyday, not physically but psychologically.

I didn't want you to know that the demons that hunted me when I was younger have come back and that was one of the buggest mistakes I've ever made

I thought that I might seem like a coward, a weak person and now I understand that not wanting to talk to you was the coward move....

I should have known that you would never thought of me like that and I in fact did know that but for some reason I did nothing and I tried to get through all this on my own

I guess it's mostly my fault, no it's my fault I mean why can't I guess he happy? My brain and my thoughts keep me from been happy and the existential crisis....

I mean what is the meaning of life anyway, be happy, do what makes you happy, never be afraid to do something because life IS TOO SMALL

Those are the key words

"Life is too small"  
So why should we bother living and to be more exact we should we bother living when we have so many problems.

Phil I'm saying this one more time I'm sorry that I couldn't do it, but think it that way without me alive the world is (maybe) a better place

Well I guess that's it....

No wait I have to say two more things

Please Phil, I know that we've told each other too many things, we cried together, we laughed together, we made 2 books together, we made memories together and since I couldn't to the 'right' path to try to find myself, please when you go bad and remember those things we've told one another, and the things we did remember those and be happy that he managed to make some unforgettable memories.

Secrets you've told me Will literally die with me so they'll be safe

I'm not saying "don't be sad/angry" I'm just saying that I want you to try and keep going forward with your life

Because after all people that commit suicide are just people that are tired of trying too hard so please don't do what I did 

And secondly if Phil you're the first one that reads this letter(because you looked into my selves) please either burnt it or throw it away and don't show it you family

Wow I just noticed what time is it... (4:30am ,  October 18th 2017) well I guess that's goodbye....

I'm so sorry

Sincerely,  
Dan :'/

.  
.  
.  
The letter fell from Phil hand, tears running down his cheeks, he really couldn't stop crying.

It wasn't a dream, Phil was unfortunately finally one hundred percent sure that he wasn't having a nightmare.

He really had find Dan on the bathtub with his wrists slit and pill on the bathroom sink

How will he ever going to "keep going forward"? 

He suddenly felt alone and lost


End file.
